[	Current Location	|	hotel	]
[	Aktuelle Stimmung	|	crushed	]

     This week I am on vacation in florida doing all sorts of new and exciting things with my family. At the same time I am doing a lot of thinking about life(school/profession in general) and it sucks. My first semester at gsu was horrible which landed me in academic warning, and just recently after last semester I am on academic supervision. I have not told my parents and I don't know how or when I am going to tell them. I just know when i tell them they are going to take me out of gsu and put me in a smaller college. Not only is school making my life a living hell but so are many other things.(regretful decisions with drugs, and simply being gay.(I don't want to be this way))

in the end; I messed up, and god messed up. and eternal sleep would be nice.

I celebrated christmas last night. it was kinda funny. my family opened one present last night and then eneded up opening all of the presents. haha

and today im doing absolutly nothing. maybe i'll go rollerblade.
:)

[

Aktuelle Stimmung

|

restless

]

      my life is a total wreck. ok not a total wreck. i am going to college. well thats if ga state takes me still even after i send my final transcripts. but thats the only thing in my life right now that is good. so yeah if you didn't know. im seeing a phsyciatrist* again. not only b/c im cutting myself again. back then i cut myself b/c it was a way of taking my mind of things and somehow it made me feel better. but now im addicted to cocaine. i now have cuts of where i put cocaine in them. b/c it makes my entire arm go asleep/numb for an hour or so. i have $12.81 in my bank account. and i've been cashing every graduating check and getting blow. the friends i have now are two-faced. all because they don't care about people much. they just care about getting their drugs. so look at me now. in a matter of a semester. i've lost 20lbs. wasted over $2000 on cocaine. and im grounded yet i still sneak out. and stay out until 4am every school night.(i would stay out later but my parents wake up at 4:30. ) i haven't slept since wed. night. i feel fucked up constantly. i plan on getting sleep tonight.

   so yeah im going to hell. im thinking of rehab this summer. i hope i can get money for that. i fucked my life over bad.

[	Current Location	|	bed	]
[	Aktuelle Stimmung	|	distressed	]
[	Aktuelle Musik	|	go getta	]

Im not going to lie. I've had the best weekend ever. I have a boyfriend with whom I am completley in love with. I've never had someone make me feel soo good. 

Besides having a amazing weekend. My dad completly blew up today on the way home from my brothers birthday dinner. I've never seen him like this. My brother is having the worst birthday ever. I just want to fucking punch my dad in the face. right now he is walking around the neighborhood trying to blow off some steam. He punched a hole in our basement door. My mom told him good job asshole. I got soo scared b/c he almost went after my mom. but told her she is a stupid bitch. so right now im sitting in my bed waiting for my bf to call. 

anyways. this thursday is CHHS's winterguard and drumline exhibition. its at 8pm. everyone should come.

[

Aktuelle Stimmung

|

happy

]

so yeah. its been alittle while since i have posted anything. 
today was the first time i have ever went to a tanning bed. it didnt do too much but i got a membership and i can go anytime i want. im soo excited. im not going to be pale anymore. 

[

Aktuelle Stimmung

|

thoughtful

]

yesterday was excruciating. my legs have been hurting for the past two weeks and they just worse and worse every time we have a practice. i also have my sabre cut half-way underneath my fingernail, but besides all the pain and agony, we got a lot done. anyways I'm still grounded. not quite sure when i can start to hang out with friends again. probably soon though.

[

Aktuelle Stimmung

|

crushed

]

    I need help soo bad. I have a question for anyone who can answer this. 

             is it possible for me to see a counselor without my parents knowing about it?(preferablly a school counselor)

maybe i just need to talk to someone. idk. it hasn't worked that well b4.

 so yeah after my last entry i got caught being stupid on drugs. well its been different latley. no drugs= no worries. its been good. dammit have to go see what my parents want. maybe i'll update later. haha naah 

[

Aktuelle Stimmung

|

frustrated

]

today is sooo slow for me. ugh i woke up only 3.5 hours ago and i feel like i have been awake a whole week. last night was lame. i got caught sneaking out and now i am not going to be sneaking out anytime soon. which means fricking early bedtime. like 10:00 at the latest. well thats on weekdays. i hate that parents say you need to be home earlier tonight. since it is a weeknight. and i say why. and they are like b/c we are going to work early tomarrow. well can't i just come home quietly. nope. i love how my parents don't trust me. (sarcasm)

[	Current Location	|	bedroom	]
[	Aktuelle Stimmung	|	flirty	]
[	Aktuelle Musik	|	mambo italiano	]

 today was a blast we went to lenox mall. thats me courtney baker and shannon. it was a blast. we got to pop shannons lenox cherry. haha. soo yeah most of the time we were in urban outfitters. god i love that store. well we also went to the apple store and i got two looks from these two good looking guys the first thing i walked into the store. since i am not used to that, I totally started to blush and courtney was like BRIAN SMILE! GO TALK TO THEM! but no i was too nervous to go talk and now i am totally kicking myself. well yeah then we came home and i hung out with my parents on a friday night. soo much fun... woo hoo. haha. well this morning and afternoon were amazing and btw i got two HOTT tank tops. still looking for some capris. would love to go shopping this weekend for some capris. just tell me if you wanna go with me.